Navigating Your Soul's Dark Nights

What I Received: My Writing Retreat in Ashland

We sat on the floor cross-legged: knee to knee, eye to eye. Outside the yoga studio windows, spring bloomed in calla lilies and birdsong. I was grateful to be settling in for an annual private session with one of my teachers. I needed it.

“So, tell me,” she began, her words cutting through the room’s silence, “What brings you here today?”

“I feel like I don’t know myself anymore,” I uttered. My voice cracked, devoid of its familiar sense of strength and certainty. I could feel tears welling up beneath the words.

“I see. So, what, then, are the four things?” she continued.

Inside I wondered, “How did she know there were four?!”

She was totally right. Over the past several months friends had been reassuring me that challenging events always happen in 3’s. I’d been holding onto that like an invisible life raft.

These are the 3 things, I kept thinking to myself. Life will  start getting easier again now….

Then I was hit with the fourth.

And my world, as I had known it, really fell apart.

I told her the four things: my beloved grandmother passed away in September, another family crisis struck in October, my boyfriend moved out in March, and then my landlord told me I needed to move out of my beautiful Boulder house in April. The house that I had just moved into that past August, that I had said I would live in for at least seven years because I loved it so much….

In between the last two arrows some good news sprinkled the heartbreak: I had landed my first book deal. My manuscript was due in October.

Now I faced a great challenge: maneuvering through the ferocious waters of grief WHILE finding a new place to live AND trying to write my book.

Any sense of security or what I thought my life would be had fallen away. I stood in a void: afraid, broken, and strangely exhilarated.

Simply too raw to function in the world in my usual ways….

My previous tactics of setting intentions, making vision boards, reciting affirmations, and persistent motivation and optimism weren’t working. I couldn’t will my way through this one. My inner voice told me loud and clear: the only thing you can do was completely let go and trust. 99% wouldn’t work. It had to be a 100% surrender.  To hell with deadlines or disappointing others; I had to do it. For myself. For my soul.

On that spring afternoon, my teacher affirmed the same thing.

“Now is the time for you to be like a magnet. Be so full in yourself, rest so completely in yourself, that your mere presence is like a magnet drawing things to you. Everything you’ve ever wanted will come to you. Stop going out and reaching for it.”

As I continued to grope my way through the dark night of my soul, I decided to listen to this. To trust it. To see where it would lead me. Because what else could I do?

Then, while listening to a talk given by a woman who had lost her beloved husband, she shared a “mantra” that revealed the way to me. I’d like to share that with you now. I’ve nicknamed it the “STAR” mantra. May it serve you during times in your life when you need to let go:

1. Surrender. Completely abandon any expectations, ideas, or agendas you have about who you are, who the people in your life should be, or where you are going. Stop trying so hard. Take all the energy that you usually put out into the world, and let it dissolve back into you. Let it soften you. Let it break open your heart and rest in the pain. Let the tears flow. Welcome everything. And be your own best friend in the process.
2. Trust. Believe that you are supported. That you’ve chosen this life to learn certain lessons. Be willing to learn those lessons, even if they lead you down paths that you wouldn’t have chosen for yourself. Have faith that all of your dreams will come true—in unexpected and miraculous ways. Give up control. Go with the flow.  Pray from the bottom of your broken heart. Trust the people you meet, the dreams you have, the voices inside, and any synchronicities that come your way. These are all pointers to your next steps.  Ask for guidance, protection, and support.
3. Accept. As my grandmother used to say, “Take tarts when tarts are passed.” Accepting has two streams: one is simply saying “Yes.” When people want to offer support, say yes. Don’t isolate yourself. Reach out to others. Another form of acceptance is simply accepting how you’re feeling and how your life looks—however messy, chaotic, or uncomfortable it may be. Say yes to it all. Give it a big hug, like you would hug a good friend.  Know that it’s all a powerful stepping stone towards your own evolution and towards learning the lessons you were born to learn.
4. Receive. This comes later. Only when you surrender, trust, and accept, can you be open to truly receive what your life wishes for you. Just like you need a soft, surrendered body to fully receive an inhalation, you need to be vulnerable and willing to invite life’s offerings for rebirth and renewal. Do so with celebration, humility, and gratitude. Don’t look back; just invite in these new experiences, emotions, surroundings, and/or people. Say thank you over and over and over again when the blessings rain on you once again.

I share this mantra because it has helped me tremendously. Now that I’ve moved through it fully, I trust it’s wisdom inherently. There are no short cuts. You must go through each step.

It has allowed me to learn a huge life lesson in letting go. When I surrender, trust, and accept, I receive from life something much more magnificent than I could have ever conceived or contrived on my own.

In fact, following this mantra and diving fully into the depths of my dark emotions has brought me to a happier, more whole place inside myself.

I write to you now from a writing retreat in Ashland, Oregon. In the past few weeks I packed up, moved out of my house in Boulder, put all of my belongings in storage, and drove 21 hours west. While physically and emotionally exhausted, I felt guided and protected every step of the way. My voice inside kept urging me forward, “You’re doing the right thing. Yes, this way!”

After the tumult of the past several months I’ve arrived in a magical, abundant living space and landscape—far more suited for me than anything I could have imagined for myself.

I know this mantra will work magic for you, too, if you’re willing to face the pain of dissolution.

I wish you much courage during your own dark nights. We all have them. And, in fact, we all need them to step more fully into our brilliance. We need them to become the stars that we are.

Now, back to my writing….

xoxo

Let me know about your own soul’s dark nights by leaving a comment below!