I'm in Love! (With Myself)

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself. You, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ the Buddha

Well, I guess it’s time for me to come back out of my cave again….. To be honest, I feel a little shy. Somewhat nervous. Not really sure where to start. So, as always, I’ll start from where I am.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, my two-month “Winter’s Rest” officially ended three weeks ago. Since then I’ve been working out the kinks of my Thailand-to-Colorado jet lag, forging through the final edits of my book, integrating the profound inner changes I went through while I was in Asia, and also figuring out how I want to show up for you here, now, online. I’m still sorting through that last part, which is a conversation for another time.

But what I feel most called to share with you right now is the metamorphisis that I have just undergone.

Before I left Boulder and my online life at the end of November, I told you that after a year of great (intense) changes, I needed to step back and ask myself “Who am I now?“

At around that same time, I remember reading a blog post that Gwen Bell wrote on happiness where she revealed that on a happiness scale of 1 to 10 (1 being least happy, 10 being most), she was a 9/10. Meanwhile, I, who was ironically writing a book about happiness, felt like I was a 6 and, on a good day, maybe, possibly, a 7. What would it take for me to get to a 10 again, I wondered? It seemed elusive, far off, like I was still slogging through a lot of inner, emotional sludge.

But I knew it was possible. And, before I left for Thailand, I said here, “My intuition tells me that my insides will reorganize, reinvent, and reemerge on their own, without my will.”

I had no plan, no strategy, no map for how my reinvention would happen. All that I harbored was the trust that it just would.

On my first morning in Thailand I woke up in the bed of an airport hotel in Bangkok. Despite the fact that I had only surrendered into four hours of sleep, and had travelled for twenty-four hours straight just prior to that, my body pulsated with excitement, bliss, the deep, simple, sensual pleasure of simply being alive. In my body. As a woman. As me.

I sat up and crossed my legs, perched in the middle of my bed, wrapped in a white, cotton sheet. I closed my eyes and meditated, feeling my heart as wide as the world. Shortly after that, I stepped outside, luggage in tow, to catch a ride back to the airport. I let the Thai sunlight kiss my pale skin. I stepped to the edge of the river outside the hotel to watch the fish swimming in the murky water. I listenened to the whiz and vroom of motorbikes. On that bare, ordinary, and bright morning a smile spread across my face and through my whole body that was so large to contain that I didn’t even bother to try.

Over the next couple of months I coddled and cared for this joy like a vigilant mother. I looked deeply into it: what supports and leads me further into my bliss and what leads me away from it? What does it take for me to be incredibly joyful? What makes me come alive? What makes me lose my spark?

My one priority each and every day, which I reminded myself upon waking, was to Follow My Bliss. Happiness is a personal responsibility. A discipline. A practice. There’s nothing arbitrary about it. Like everything else, you get out of it what you put into it. And I had two months to put all of myself into it. I was willing to do that, for myself.

The answers to that question create what I now call “My Environment of Happiness” (inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s methodical and practical approach to happiness in The Happiness Project).

Here’s what I did while I was away, everyday, to rediscover (and fall in love with) myself. There are no magical potions or mantras here. I hope that you are inspired by how simple and ordinary utter bliss actually is:

1. Long walks. My favorite way to explore a new place, or to discover new things about a familiar place,  is to walk. Up mountains, through neighborhoods, parks, forests, whatever. In Thailand on most mornings I’d roll out of bed and walk for 1 to 1 1/2 hours. Sometimes I’d be up and out by 5:30 am, sky dark, moon bright, monks in their saffron robes and bare feet swishing noiselessly by me. Sometimes I’d be on a deserted beach, sea calm, mist hanging like crowns on tree tops. I always brought my camera, allowing myself to stop, partake in, and enjoy simple displays of beauty.

2. Daily practice. This is a constant staple in my life: 30-60 minutes of meditation every day (usually in the morning) and  a minimum of 60 minutes of yoga a day, 4-6 days a week. These are non-negotiable essentials for me to stay present and intimate with myself and the world. Through these practices I digest my life. I see how I am (or am not) showing up for it. I deeply appreciated my time offline so that I could devote more attention to deepening my exploration into embodiment and awareness. During those two months on my cushion and my mat I cried many tears, let go of deep holding patterns in my body, and, in turn, bowed to many new revelations and openings.

3. Morning pages. I started this practice two years ago when I rekindled my creative flame with Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. Now I consider this one of my most important spiritual practices. It consists of writing three pages in your journal as a stream of consciousness each morning (as the name suggests). Writing is a mindfulness practice. It’s seeing the present moment through the lens of pen on paper. It’s getting intimate and real with yourself. To learn more, I highly recommend that you listen to Natalie Goldberg‘s talk on writing as a spiritual practice here.

4. Aimless wandering. I first discovered the importance of this last May at Susan Piver‘s writing and meditation retreat at the Shambhala Mountain Center. Then I read about it again recently from Bindu Wiles when she used this technique as part of her own winter replenishment. On Christmas day I headed out into the streets of Chiang Mai with my bag, camera, wallet, sunglasses, and journal. No agenda. No schedule. And guess what? It ended up being one of my best days ever. I journaled in a coffee shop, had brunch in a restaurant I’d never been to, stopped by a friend’s guesthouse to surprise her with a hello. Spontaneity is quickly becoming a lost art, but, when practiced, can be incredibly delightful.

5. Living  fully offline. Instead of updating my facebook status and retweeting, I got out into the world more. I laughed with friends like I did when I was in high school. I practiced the fine art of flirting. I went on trips. I gave myself permission to be irresponsible and utterly un-Sara as often as possible. I literally stopped to smell the flowers.  I pampered myself with massages and pedicures. I danced naked around my hotel room during thunderstorms. I skipped in the park. I struck up random conversations with strangers. I bought a black thong, string bikini (had to throw that one in there somewhere). I fully and freely enjoyed my life.

So on this day of love, I wish you the courage to step away from what drains you and towards what lights you up. To take rest when you need to. To get to know yourself again. To risk having a love affair with yourself. And to wear your bliss in the world as only you can.

I am truly, deeply, passionately excited to share more with you as we unfold in our journey of 2011 together. More to come…..soon.